I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
