someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
