a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
