and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
