I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Barsexuality is the new black.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Randomize
