I skipped work to stalk him.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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