the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
