the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
