cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
