I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
