I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I AM VODKA MAN
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize