I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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