Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
