I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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