Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
