it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
