Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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