Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
