Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
