i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
