Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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