When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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