I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
