thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
