living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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