I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize