You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
