just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
It's never too late to be topless.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
