Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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