She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
