omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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