Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
