just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
