My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Randomize
