So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
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