in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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