Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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