Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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