just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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