when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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