Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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