My friends, they love my intelligence
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize
