i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
