i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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