Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
