I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
How drunk are you?
Completed.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
