Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
