I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
