I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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