he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
