the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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