woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
