Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
