I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
