I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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