Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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