apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
