if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
operation have a gay friend backfired
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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