Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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