btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
