I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
