do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
