Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
